Mon père, Je t’aime

March 1st, 2010. I planned to go home. To Jakarta. I had a written test for a recruitment process of a company in Sudirman the next day. So I called my mom at home. But it wasn’t my mom who picked up the phone. It was my 2nd older sister. So, I told her I was going home and already in a travel pool waiting for the departure. Instead of asking when I want to be picked up, she asked me to go home by myself. My sister said on the phone, “Fa, kamu pulang sendiri aja ya..”, “Kenapa?”, “Gak kenapa2, bapak gak kenapa2 kok.”, “Emang bapak kenapa?”, “Fa, ifa tenang yaaa.. bapak abis kecelakaan, tp gak kenapa2 sekarang”.

I was speechless hearing that shocking news. I just sat and asked more questions to my sister. My dad was riding his Scorpio alone, hit by a damn taxi (yg nerobos lampu merah) 3 days before and got a broken leg, his left leg. I just cried instantly that time. Campur aduk rasanya. Aku menangis membayangkan rasa sakit yg dirasakan ayahku saat tertabrak, mengutuk sang supir taxi dalam hati, sekaligus lega karena aku sudah terlanjur takut bahwa yg menabraknya adalah kontainer/trailer (I live in Tg. Priok dimana banyak kontainer berkeliaran). My sister said that my dad was already taken to RSPJ (Rumah Sakit Pertamina Jaya) and would have a surgery (pasang pen di antara tulang2 patahnya) the next day. My sister said that my mom didn’t tell me on purpose, karena aku akan sidang sebentar lagi, dan tidak mau mengganggu konsentrasiku (geez, she even wouldn’t want to burden her own daughters). She stayed in the hospital with my dad, accompanied him since the day he got the accident till that Monday. My sister calmed me, but my tears didn’t stop even selama perjalanan di travel. It was my first time I couldn’t sleep in my travel. Along the way home, I imagined the accident, the crash. I imagined how my dad felt, feeling his leg broken. It just made me cry more. I know my dad is a strong person, tapi tetep aku tidak tega membayangkan rasa sakit yg ia derita. I think I better feel the pain than you do, Dad…

I visited him on Tuesday, after the surgery. I saw scratches on his face and his hands, sewed wound on his forehead, dan kaki kiri yg terbalut. Ia terlihat tirus. Dokter bahkan melarangnya utk duduk di tempat tidur sekalipun. He looked fine, he managed his smile well, he told me about his surgery. He made a little joke, too. He said that on the beginning he was afraid of the surgery, but turned out the surgery wasn’t as bad as he thought. He asked us not to be afraid of surgery (yeah Dad, I will still be afraid…). Tapi, kakakku bilang beberapa hari sebelumnya, bapak masih terlihat shock, lebih sering bengong and no much talk. I could barely imagine that! My father likes to talk, really likes to talk all the time. Jadi, membayangkan bapak tidak banyak berbicara, membuat aku meringis dan menangis. The first day I visited him, he started to talk more than days before, commented the news on TV, membuatku sedikit lebih lega.

Now, my father is already home. Tapi masih menggunakan dua buah tongkat. Kaki kirinya masih tidak bisa digunakan utk menapak tampaknya. He mostly spends his time in his bedroom and he gets thinner😦. He just walks out to go to the bathroom atau kadang ke ruang keluarga untuk nonton TV. My dad used to do activities, any activities. Ia suka jalan, ia suka mengerjakan apapun meski sudah pensiun. But now, seeing he just spends his time mostly in his bedroom makes me sad. Once in a week, he must go to hospital for a check up. I just hope he can use his feet again in near time. I want to see him back as my dad I used to know.

My graduation day is two weeks more. I always imagine my mom and my dad seeing me graduate in Sabuga. But with my dad’s condition now, ayahku cuma bisa ikut ke bandung, tidak bisa menemani ke dalam sabuga. Of course I am sad, but I have to be happy, for him. I present my graduation for you, Dad. I promise you I will make you proud more of me. I won’t disappoint you. You said you want me to work in Pertamina, too, as you did. I promise I will try my best.

I can only thank God now. God still wants you to be with us, with me. I love you, Dad…

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
(Luther Vandross – Dance with My Father)

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